Laura
Wichers
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(10/7/00 6:38:08 pm)
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Comic
Relief
I actually hadn't heard some of
these.
Subject: Musician's What is?
A young child
says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a
musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do
both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a
trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you call a
guitar player with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What
do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their
personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What has 3 teeth and an I.Q. of 47?
A:
The first 4 rows at a Marilyn Manson Concert.
Q: What's the
similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both
perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the
difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have
to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some
people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves
time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a
guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a
family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet
airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q:
What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by
trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second
interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven,
manually operated, pitch approximation.
Q: How do you get an
oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his
electronic tuner.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass
trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between
a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's
the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
A:
Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between the front desk of
violas and the back desk of violas?
A: At least a semi-tone!
Q: What's another name for viola auditions?
A: Scratch
lottery.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they
can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q:
How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What
do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A
music critic.
Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the
accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.
Q: How do you keep
your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A:
That's the banjo player's Porsche.
Q: What do a viola and a
lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is
closed.
Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car.
Who's driving
A: The policeman
Q: Why are harps like
elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into
and out of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to
pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How
are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both
command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move
out of range.
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton
Violin Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One"
Q: What's the
difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A:
Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violinist's fingers like
lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I
hope so."
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and
Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Michael
Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind
of cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says
Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks.
Milton says
"It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for
difficult runs.
Music: A complex organizations of sounds
that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the
conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is
ignored by the audience.
Conductor: A musician who is adept
at following many people at the same time.
Relative minor: A
guitarist's girlfriend.
Audition: The act of putting oneself
under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone
who has already made up his mind.
Q: How does a young man
become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of
school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Subito piano:
Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become
a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have
to bluff until you find itagain.
Vibrato: Used by singers to
hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Female
vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny
Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G
minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time,
then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off
the last 3 bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to
do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's
how you did it last night!"
Did you hear about the violist
who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra
didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.'
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