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Slofus
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Posts: 16
(5/25/01 3:20:30
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The Cello Witch
of Bremen - Part the First
The 24th of May, in this the year of our Lord 1749
Part the
First
The afternoon was as dank and gray as my trusted mule,
Horst. When I, Mauritius Annheuser- humble cellist, tinker and all
around Bon Vivant, arrived in the town of Bucholst. An itinerant
musician working my way across Bavaria to my home in Munchen, I
hoped to gain a few Marks by busking the local tavern here or at
least find room and board for the evening in exchange for a few
simple tunes on my cello, perhaps mend a few pots, do a little dance
and get down tonight.
A bruised and beaten oaf of a fellow
confined to the stocks, directed me to a place called Der
Schpankenspiegel, a notorious establishment I knew to be associated
with lay-abouts, cut-purses and eel smugglers. Thrusting aside the
oaken door, I entered to find the locals busy at games and revelry.
Their ruddy, ring-wormed complexions smudged with smoke and soot
discharged from a fireplace in which a boar was haplessly roasting
on a spit (or for vegetarians - please visualize a big chunk of
tofu). Upon sensing a stranger in their midst, a sudden and stony
silence fell across the room, broken only be the rattle of dice (or
was it teeth) hitting a tankard strewn table. Suspicious and
jaundiced eyes turned towards me and instinctually my patrician
nostrils flared in what I like to describe as simple disdain and/or
unfettered contempt.
Without a word, I began removing my
beloved cello from its protective covering - a 12th century Persian
tapestry (stolen from Castle Gottenhimmel earlier that Spring in an
ill advised escapade from which I barely escaped with my life! - but
that is a different story for a different time.)I found my darling
to be perfectly in tune and immediately launched into a rousing
version of "Flow Gently Sweet Afton", followed by a heartrending
arrangement of the old standard "Gammer Gerten Got Got". The anemic
crowd went wild, demanding more and I was prepared to accomodate
them. I began a spirited rendition of a real tuner - the gigue from
the 3rd Suite - Johann is a personal friend of mine and had
autographed a copy of his composition for me in spite of the extreme
vocal protests of Anna Magdalena. That shrew!
Upon hearing
the totally hummable opening bars, the tubercular townsfolk began to
gigue madly about the tavern, patting their heads and rubbing their
bellies as was the fashion in that part of the land. When I played
the final C chord (which I like to stretch out a really long time),
the pitiful bunch roared their approval, gathered me up and began
carrying me about the room atop their osteo-arthritic shoulders.
This was to my chagrin and great dismay for surely they were all
teeming with disease.
To be continued....
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BettyLou
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Posts: 34
(5/25/01 5:01:14
pm)
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Wunderbar!!!
Fantastic!! More, please, more. Please get me out of my
melancholia!!
with much admiration,
BettyLou
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Slofus
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Posts: 19
(5/25/01 5:21:58
pm)
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The Cello Witch
of Bremen - Part the Second
"Innkeeper! More ale!" I demanded, as the admiring, goiter
encrusted simpletons plopped me down in a chair stained with Heaven
only knows what.
The barsy hastened to my bidding, placing
several tankards of what appeared to be a really nice Pilsner on a
tray held by a comely, yet surly bar wench. Leaving what appeared to
be a dining area replete with all manner of mid-18th century treats
and which she seemed to have cordoned off for her own consumption,
she swaggered over to my table. I deemed her to be about 47 in
years, quite used and yet somehow attractive - in a gutter sort of
way. The tavern tart possessed a luxuriously ample bosom, which she
apparently held in high esteem. A leaf of tobacco or sotweed, as is
known, was rolled into a sort of stick where it dangled from her
sneering, pouty lips. I thought for a moment I detected the odor of
Lycra, though I could not be sure.
"Your ale, sir." She
sniffed, almost dropping the tray and managing to splatter my plum
and silver waistcoat with foam.
"Gaping posthole!" I declared, my
voice choking with rage. "How dare ye!"
"Arrogant chippie!" Cried
a toothless hag.
"I know ye are, but what am I." The floozie
replied impudently.
"Clumsy roudheels!" Voiced an anthrax
spreader.
"I know ye are, but what am I." She
cooed.
"Impertinent Sally-dally!" Shouted another, in the midst
of some manner of seizure.
She then subdued one and all with
one withering glance. The typhoid-laden crew cowered as if
slapped.
Then she, indeed, began walking among them, slapping
them soundly as she went. With her task complete, she then cast
narrowed eyes on me. Approaching me slowly, until our faces were
within mere inches, she stopped.
"Oh...shut up." She
sneered.
To be continued....
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BettyLou
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Posts: 36
(5/25/01 5:33:56
pm)
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Wow! I am teary
eyed, laughing!!
Dear talented, accurate, wordsmith Slofus,
What a
tribute--beautiful word choices, a captivating tale --I love your
writing!!!!
Awaiting the next installment with baited (Little
Debbie) breath.
your precious
jewel,
BettyLou
P.S. May I portray myself in the
film???
|
Slofus
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Posts: 20
(5/25/01 5:38:52
pm)
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The Cello Witch
of Bremen - Part the Third
I was struck dumb by this cutting statement. This ale house empress
owned not only a luxuriosly ample bosom, but was glib as well. My
zoftig enchantress began the trek back to her wench-post. (A
wench-post is where bar wenches wait until they are told
otherwise.)
"Pray,a moment, my good woman!" I called after her,
for now I was...well...intrigued. "Prithee, won't ye join me in a
tankard of ale?"
"Do ye think there be room for the two of us,
sir?" She quipped.
My humiliation was complete! Once again, I was
bested by the this overly ripe fig with feet and by a jape as old as
the Alps!
"Now see here..." I began.
Sensing a moment of
weakness she quickly interrupted "Nay, sir! For thou art a drunkard
and a stinkard and I will none of thee!"
"Madam, I asure you I am
no drunkard!" I countered and yet could feel the heat rise in my
face and for a moment feared I had contracted the plague...or
worse.
"Ha! A stinkard then! So away with ye! Away with ye and
thy big fiddle!" She commanded, arms akimbo, sotweed a-dangle and
voice heavy with challange and amusement.
To be
continued...
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BettyLou
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Posts: 37
(5/25/01 5:54:55
pm)
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You are
blessed!
Damn Slofus, I love your writing, to hell with Oprah--this is the
nectar I crave (even if I hadn't been your inspiration).
Bravo!!
your precious one,
BettyLou
So I am
assuming Six parts, like the Bach suites??
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Slofus
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Posts: 21
(5/25/01 6:15:20
pm)
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The Cello Witch
of Bremen - Part the Fourth
"Thy name, saucy wench and be quick with thy answer!" I could be
forceful when pressed and I felt...well...pressed. Besides, there
was something familiar about her. Something I couldn't quite
identify. Something...unsettling.
"Gerta Finkelschtadt. If any
business it be of thine!" She snorted.
"Lying slop pot!" I
answered. "The callus on thy index finger betrays thee. I recognize
it as the result of cello playing and by its strange shape (and it
was strange, for it resembled perfectly the likeness of Georg
Telemann). Verily, it is the mark of the The Dark Lord himself and
thou art revealed as none other than BettyLou - The Cello Witch of
Bremen!"
The infection ridden towns folk gasped in unison.
BettyLou - The Cello Witch of Bremen was in their midst...had been
in there midst for months and looked as though she may be...in their
midst for who knows how long. Oh,could Beelzebub be far
behind?
BettyLou squatted in a mockery of a proper curtsy. "An
astute observation, kind sir and doubly remarkable from one - with
such a pronounced overbite!"
Alas! She had found my Achilles Heel
for I was acutely sensitive to my one physical flaw! Her words cut
me as a knife would cut warm butter. I was the waving wheat and she
the merciless scythe. I had always considered myself a rather
handsome fellow. My mother told me as much on more than one
occasion. This flagrant disregard for the opinion of my mother only
served to underscore the cruel evil expected of such a heinous
creature as BettyLou - The Cello Witch of Bremen!
To be
continued....
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Slofus
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Posts: 22
(5/25/01 6:28:19
pm)
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Bye til next
time
It's time to begin the weekend. Hope everyone has a safe
one.
Slofus
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BettyLou
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Posts: 40
(5/25/01 6:42:20
pm)
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Don't get too
tanked this Holiday!
Dear Slofus and other happy chatters,
I have already started
my holiday weekend with some alcoholic libations, but I won't be
driving anywere, so no harm, no foul.
Have a great weekend
all!
With much love, and that's a lot of love,
your
treasure, BettyLou
Note to Lucy Clifford: I wouldn't be
caught dead in gingham!! But it just shows you have a little
imagination, so good for you, dear!
|
Gablety
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Posts: 71
(5/25/01 7:25:56
pm)
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***ROTFL!!!***
(Sorry, I've just discovered how to use these things! BTW, I
normally hate style that's that cramped, but you're just using it to
make fun! It's hysterical!! [Anyway, my writing is so bogged down by
describing every single step my charachtars take and stuff who am I
to complain?  ] )
|
Lucy
Clifford
Registered User
Posts: 160
(5/25/01 9:02:53 pm)
Reply
|
Re: Don't get
too tanked this Holiday!
Gingham? My dear! 'twas mere jest......
But, thou doust not
denyth the flapjacks?
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bridge
Registered User
Posts: 118
(5/26/01 7:40:44 am)
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My favorite line
so far:
"Thy name, saucy wench and be quick with thy answer!"
|
Slofus
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Posts: 23
(5/29/01 6:28:23
pm)
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The Cello Witch
of Bremen - Part the Fifth
Is there no end to your wickedness!" My voice sounded
embarrassingly shrill.
"None, Sir Squeaky!" She replied
smugly. "How would ye like to kiss this?" She teased and walked away
from me, patting first her right buttock and then her left. All the
while making sucking and kissing noises.
I could tolerate no
more of this and live.
"Witch, I challenge thee to a cello
duel!"
"A cello duel!" cried the the lice laden crowd in
unison and immediately began clearing a space in the middle of the
room.
"A duel it is then, sir." She said, trying to imitate
my newly found soprano. "But be warned, the last to issue me such a
challenge was reduced to a whimpering, drooling dolt and is now
banished to the picturesque wilds of the Austrian outback! Expect no
quarter,whatever your name is!"
"Mauritius Annheuser, your
servant. I expect no mercy, nor none shall I bestow. If truly
goodness and virtue exist in this foul world, then I shall prevail!
I tell thee, witch, if righteousness and justice reign supreme, then
I will emerge the victor! If excellence in all things is cherished
and godliness treasured, then...then..."
"Yah...then?" the
mucous soaked townsfolk begged in unison.
However, before I
could end my eloquent declaration (and a fortunate thing, too, for I
was at an uncharacteristic loss for words), BettyLou produced from
thin air a strikingly beautiful cello, which, on its lower right
bout bore the inscription 'To BettyLou. We'll always have Cremona!
Affectionately, Antonio S.' This was none other than the legendary
Stradivarius known as "The Duchess of Malfi" and believed to be lost
at sea decades ago.
"Just how old is this witch, anyway?" I
wondered and was not a little ashamed that my own dear cello held no
such pedigree, but was merely stamped "Made in Tyrol" on its inside
where a label should be.
"Shall we begin, ye mincing
nincompoop! Or are ye...chicken?" Whereupon the high cholesterol
infused townsfolk began making clucking and squawking sounds...in
unison.
To be continued...
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Paul
Tseng ICS Staff 
Administrator
Posts: 1332
(5/29/01 7:10:46 pm)
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 |
Re: The Cello
Witch of Bremen - Part the Fifth
I'm really enjoying this....
Think...Monty Python!
Paul Tseng
My Website
Alexander's Photo
Albums
Free Cello
Music!
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BettyLou
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Posts: 43
(5/29/01 7:24:57
pm)
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Slofus:Bravissimo!/NB to Dr Cello
Dear talented, wordsmith Slofus,
I am at the edge of my seat
(which happens to be strewn with Little Debbie crumbs, I must
admit). Beautiful job!!
with glowing
admiration!
BettyLou
Note to Dr. Cello: Chattanooga?
Yes I have been there; I arrived on a big Choo-Choo in the late 40s!
Haven't been back since. (there was a restraining order, actually.)
Is there any reason to revisit???? Wanna play the Vivaldi duet?
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drcello
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Posts: 407
(5/29/01 8:26:44
pm)
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Your references
hit close to home...
Little Debbies are made near Chattanooga, funnel-cake is a staple
(do you eat moon pies), barbque is all pervasive...just wondering
and wandering. Have a nice day 
Marshall C. St. John
drcello@vei.net
Wayside Presbyterian Church
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Slofus
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Posts: 24
(5/30/01 4:10:38
pm)
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Part the Sixth -
Prelude
The rules pertaining to a proper cello duel are simple. The
challenger plays several virtuoso pieces and the other then plays
what he/she assumes are even better pieces. Upon proving his/her
superiority and in accordance with tradition in this part of the
land, 'twas customary for the loser to concede defeat by exclaiming
"KRAUT!"
Oh, but the price was heavy when the inferior
cellist was revealed, for it meant a life of scorn, ridicule and
banishment to the Austrian outback. The unfortunate was deemed no
longer worthy of the name "cellist", instead, was expected to assume
a much less demanding instrument such as the pennywhistle or
triangle.
Since I had issued the challenge I was, by custom,
obliged to begin.
The familiar opening bars of the old
Bavarian drinking song "Der Fuchs und der Trauben" was greeted with
enthusiastic applause from the pox marked. With the exception of
BettyLou, who was showing her indifference by perusing the latest
edition of the Bucholst Gazette in an insultingly bored manner, save
for the cartoons which seemed to cause her no end of
joy.
This I followed with the naughty, yet oh-so-popular
"Benka, the Buergermeister's Daughter". Alas, during which the foul
strumpet preoccupied herself with removing a bit of fluff she
imagined to reside on her sleeve. As if taking her cue, the
rheumatic throng adopted her ennui and stared past me at an oak tree
visible through the window. "What is an oak tree, really?" they
wondered in unison.
Beads of flop sweat, as 'tis known,
formed on my brow and the collar of my shirt suddenly and alarmingly
seemed to decrease in size. It was now the time to prove myself to
one and all! As a last all-consuming effort, I would play "As I Lay
Dying in Hamlin", a melody so beautiful, so sad and so self-pitying
no jade in all of Germany could resist its heartbreaking strains.
(This piece was understandably very popular in Hamlin. Oh, and just
to set the record straight, ye know those rats that were supposedly
piped out of the town by that "pied" fellow and into the river and
drowned? Well, I tell ye that is a bald-faced lie! For they simply
scampered down the road a-piece to the wretched town of Bucholst,
where, to this day, I swear they enjoy near
deification!)
Upon completing the last bars of this
masterpiece, so haunting in their beauty and finality, the
hayfevered group sniffed and patted their myopic eyes, not daring to
break the delicate magic of this moment with something so vulgar as
applause, at least...I hoped that was the reason. I lifted eyes
triumphantly to the despised cello hussy, BettyLou.
"Yes, but
can my fine turdling do this?" she hooted and placed her thumbs in
the corner of her mouth and her index fingers in the corners of her
slatternly eyes, then pulling her face into a absolute contortion of
all things vile.
"Very well, hideous bedpan! Away!" I huffed.
"Let us at hear at last the unholy catterwallings thy witchery canst
conjure!" My indignity was matched only by concern for my safety and
- as was my wont - instinctually began plotting a hasty escape
should it come to that. And as circumstances seemed presently...it
probably would come to that.
To be continued...
|
Slofus
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Posts: 28
(6/1/01 11:33:03
am)
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Part the Sixth -
Courant and Gigue
"Ummm...das goot!" BettyLou smacked, as she discarded a half-eaten
confection baked by the legendary baker known only as 'Small
Debra'.
"What shall I play...what shall I play...Ah! I
believe the Sixth Unaccompanied Suite for Cello will suffice!" and
pulled from the atmosphere what seemed to be a
manuscript.
"Fraudulent frump!" I announced with glee. "For
ye are truly undone and exposed for the charlatan and cello cheat ye
are! 'Tis common knowledge there be only FIVE of the unaccompanied
suites and I...friend witch...have a copy of them autographed by
none other than Johnny Bach himself to prove it!"
I exclaimed
this with all the pomposity and confidence I could muster, puffing
up like a bantam rooster. Secure in my sanctimony, I felt I might
yet prevail over this cello witch and win the duel on a
technicality. The chronically fatigued seemed in agreement with me
on this and eyed the witch with newly found scorn.
"See for
ye self, pennywhistler!" she taunted and thrust the pages in my
face.
My chin dropped so suddenly it made my jaw pop. For
there in her callused hand, glistening in a pale and ghostly light,
seemed to be a sixth cello suite apparently written by JS Bach. In
the upper left corner of the first page a note had been
scrawled:
"BettyLou -
Let me know what ye think,
liebchen.
Your pal,
Anna-poo B."
"Anna-poo B.!!??
My head was swimming in amazement! How could such a thing be? It was
blazingly apparent Anna Magdalena Bach had given BettyLou "first
look" rights to Johann's composition! How could I hope to compete
with such witchery? Obviously, Anna-poo had entered into some unholy
alliance with this handmaiden of Lucifer. (Granted, the relationship
between Anna and me was more than a little strained as a result of a
hellish weekend I spent at the Bach's home in Weimar and that I will
expound on at some future time. Suffice it to say, for now, I caught
the woman in the act of ADDING superfluous slurs to the Prelude in
G, among other crimes.)
But I digress...
"Play on
witch!" I growled and with resignation fell back into my chair,
tightly crossing my arms and legs, glowering at BettyLou with eyes
as dark as an approaching thunderstorm.
What followed was THE
most mesmerizing, THE most inspiring, THE most technically dazzling
performance of one of the greatest pieces of music the world had yet
to hear! Depressed beyond all compare, I told myself "The witch's
dynamics are perfect. The witch's intonation is flawless. The witch
makes eye contact at the appropriate times with her slack-jawed
audience of the unclean."
"Kraut!" was welling up in my
throat and the visualization of life in Austria on a hops farm was
parading before my eyes, when...
To be continued...
|
BettyLou
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Posts: 53
(6/1/01 12:02:55
pm)
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Oh my, what a
buildup!
Dear sweet Slofus,
What a tale you have spun! It's put me
into a tailspin! I am sitting here--waiting for the rest like a
crazed teen at an "Nsync" concert. Bravo!
with glowing
admiration,
your Schatzi,
BettyLou
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